


The Mysterious Garden of Clint Barton

by sparkly_butthole



Series: MCU Kink Bingo [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Crack, M/M, No Exposition, chat transcripts, dysfunctional and adorable Avengers team, no explanation either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 10:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12529384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: Clint reveals he grows cucumbers. Shenanigans ensue.





	The Mysterious Garden of Clint Barton

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NurseDarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/gifts).



<chat transcript>

<11/06/19>

 **Coffee Dawg:** So I’m gettin my housekey back soon right Nat. Cuz I kinda lost mine.

 **Spidey One:** Jesus Christ Clint. Why are you such a mess all the time? You’re lucky you have Laura.

 **Spidey One:** Oh yeah, and some of the cucumbers died.

 **Coffee Dawg:** WTF NATASHA HOW WHAT WHY

 **Spidey One:** Clint, you don’t need a million cucumbers

 **Coffee Dawg:** Yes I do, you just don’t even knowwwwww

 **Bae:** Uh, guys, you do realize you’re on the team chat, right?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Yeah, Clint, what the fuck are you doing with that many cucumbers.

 **Soldier:** Insert crude innuendo here.

 **Bae:** Buck, I swear to the good Lord if you start

 **Soldier:** What are you gonna do, Steeb?

 **Soldier:** We both know who’s really in charge around here

 **Soldier:** ;)

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** No no no, we gotta get back to Clint and his phallic obsession

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** And AWAY from YOUR phallic obsession, Jesus

 **Soldier:** If you’d ever seen Steve’s dick, Stark

 **Bae:** Here we go.

 **Bae:** I don’t even know why I bother sometimes

 **Rage Monster:** Yeah, I’m not even sure I can pass this one up. I wanna know too.

 **Spidey Two:** What could you possibly do with a cucumber? Besides eat it? I don’t understand

 **Bae:** Don’t

 **Soldier:** Shove it up your ass, duh

 **Bae:** do it

 **Bae** : Goddammit Bucky

 **Coffee Dawg:** Aww come on, guys! Be nice to me

 **Spidey Two:** oh god why do I ask these questions I should know better

 **Coffee Dawg:** Nothing wrong with growin a few cucumbers in ur backyard right?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Now there’s a whole new family of innuendos right there!

 **Spidey One:** I don’t know if I love or hate this conversation

 

 

<chat transcript>

<11/10/19>

 **Bae:** You guys got the call right?

 **Bae:** Assemble. 30 minutes until wheels off the ground

 **Spidey Two:** Aww, I wanna come! I’m off school today!

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** No.

 **Spidey Two:** : >(

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** So anyway. These cucumbers.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Goddammit

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** How do you know I’m even talking to you, I could be talking to Steve and Bucky.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** They know a bit about cucumbers.

 **Bae:** Really funny Tony, you’re hilarious

 **Soldier** : but he’s right

 **Bae** : Oh not you too

 **Coffee Dawg:** in front of MY salad???

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Omg isn’t that meme from like two years ago?

 **Sarcastic Asshole** : But Clint. I know you’re doing something naughty with them. I know you. Is Hulk man in on this?

 **Bae:** Here we go again.

 **Bae:** wait what’s a meme

 **Soldier:** Christ, Steve. I’ll tell you later.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Because I thought that was the only green thing you could make grow

 **Bae** : WHY DO I FUCKING BOTHER

 **Sarcastic Asshole** : Uh, language!

 **Spidey One:** why do I work with a bunch of boys

 **Rage Monster:** Hey I resent that. I’m all man, Natasha, I promise. And I’ll show you my green thing if you’re really, really nice.

 **Soldier:** Oh my god, Bruce Banner is flirting. Now I’ve seen it all

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** What. Clint’s a good lookin’ man

 **Spidey One:** And he’s married

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** right. Three way time?

 **Spidey One:** Stop trying to make everybody gay, Tony

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I was gonna say, we’re all a little gay.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** But we’re not millennials so. Yeah maybe not

 

 

<comm transcript>

<11/11/19, 10:29 AM>

 **Bae** : Alright, team comms on. Alpha, you’re that way. Beta with me. We flank this guy. He doesn’t look like he has much in the way of reinforcements. Should be an easy in/out. Bucky… go be Bucky somewhere

 **Soldier:** Uh, I don’t know what that means, but thanks?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Easy in/out huh? You that loose, Cap?

 **Soldier:** Stark, I swear to god I have a sniper rifle right here.

<sounds of fighting>

<comm silence>

<heavy breathing>

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** So this guy right here, what’s his deal?

 **Bae** : I don’t know, but watch out. He’s… rather large.

 **Magic Wanda** : I’ve got it handled.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Do you handle cucumbers too?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Speaking of LARGE cucumbers, of course

 **Bae** : <sigh> Tony, will you give it a rest?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Aww c’mon - oh, shit! Watch out. On your six, Cap… oh. Thanks, Sergeant Barnes.

 **Soldier:** Anytime, cucumber.

<smooching sounds>

 **Coffee Dawg:** Aww cucumber no.

 

 

<chat transcript>

<11/11/19>

 **Bae:** Great job today, guys. Debrief starts in 20 minutes

 **Coffee Dawg:** Can’t a guy just get a shower

 **Coffee Dawg:** Alone I mean, not in the team showers. No offense guys

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** What, you wanna handle your cucumber?

 **Soldier:** Fuck me in the ass with this cucumber bullshit

 **Soldier:** Jesus

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I knew it! I knew Clint was growing it for some nefarious purpose! Do you buy ‘em from him in bulk or something? I guess you can’t reuse them huh.

 **Soldier** : You can’t use it that way, Stark.

 **Soldier** : It doesn’t have a flared base.

 **Soldier:** You know, cuz otherwise it gets stuck in your asshole?

 **Spidey Two:** Eww grosssssss

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** D:

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Well I guess you would know

 **Bae** : Stark

 **Bae:** I’m pretty sure you know too

 **Rage Monster:** Haha

 **Coffee Dawg:** Wowwwwwwww Captain America BURN

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I’m not the idiot stickin’ cucumbers up my ass, Barton.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Why r u so bothered by my cukes?

 **Coffee Dawg:** Oh. I get it! Inadequacy issues, it all makes sense now!!

 **Spidey One:** … all of you guys have inadequacy issues, are you kidding me?

 **Spidey One:** We are a dysfunctional family of train cars headed right off the rails

 **Coffee Dawg:** Uh, you’re one to talk?

 **Spidey One:** Did I say I wasn’t?

 **Soldier** : Can we maybe not talk about train cars thanks

 **Bae:** Second that.

 **Spidey Two:** I don’t understand any of this conversation

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Don’t worry kid, we’ll fuck you up too. Your day’s comin.

 

 

<chat transcript>

<11/13/19>

 **Bae:** Movie night Saturday?

 **Rage Monster:** I’m not gonna be here.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Neither am I.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Aww goddammit, I was gonna get a wiggles special about fruit salad

 **Soldier:** If you’re callin’ me a fruit, I WILL fight your ass

 **Soldier:** … cucumbers aren’t actually fruit, are they?

 **Bae:** You’re not getting laid tonight.

 **Soldier:** WHY STEVE

 **Soldier** : What’d I even do

 **Bae** : continuing to encourage him

 **Salt** : Same to you, Tony.

 **Other Bae:** WHY AM I INCLUDED IN THESE TEXTS GODDAMMIT

 **Bae** : You’re part of the team too, Sam, come on

 **Other Bae:** Okay but like, let’s talk shop, not gardening or whatever the fuck

 **Coffee Dawg:** Awwwwe but we talk shop enough man, let us have some fun!

 **Other Bae:** You can have fun with your goddamn cucumbers, Clint

 **Other Bae:** Elsewhere, I mean.

 **Coffee Dawg:** Oh sure, turn it around on me

 **Other Bae:** Well you started it

 **Coffee Dawg:** !!!!!!!

 **Coffee Dawg:** Nat they’re ganging up on me help

 **Spidey One:** You deserve it.

 **Salt** : ALL of you deserve it.

 

 

<chat transcript>

<11/13/19>

 **Bae (PM):** Hey babe

 **Soldier (PM):** Hey

 **Soldier (PM)** : You’re not really gonna leave me high and dry tonight are you

 **Bae (PM):** I dunno

 **Bae (PM):** Depends on if you let me play with your cucumber

 **Soldier (PM):** holy hell

 **Soldier (PM)** : what even is my life

 **Bae (PM):** I mean, it’s unfair to cucumbers though. They can’t compare to me

 **Soldier (PM):** I’d yell at you but you are a freak of nature

 **Bae (PM):** It’s all the serum baby

 **Soldier (PM):** Yeah well I didn’t get that same serum obv

 **Bae (PM):** Aww c’mon babe, you’re perfectly adequate

 **Soldier (PM)** : …

 **Soldier (PM):** Now it’s YOU who’s not getting laid

 **Bae (PM):** :(

 

 

<chat transcript>

<11/24/19>

 **Soldier:** Thanks for letting me swallow your cucumber last night babe. It really hit the spot.

 **Bae:** Uh, Buck? We’re on team chat right now.

 **Coffee Dawg:** jesus take the wheel

 **Coffee Dawg:** I need some fucken coffee before I deal with this shit

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I, for once, am speechless.

 **Bae:** No, Stark, I think saying that counts as speech

 **Soldier:** It’s okay, I’m not ashamed. I love being on my knees in front of Steve.

 **Bae:** why do I BOTHER

 **Spidey Two:** Uh, are you doin what I think ur doin on ur knees?

 **Soldier:** What, suckin’ Steve’s dick?

 **Coffee Dawg:** oh come on! He’s a kid

 **Spidey Two:** A teenager! I know what suckin dick is.

 **Spidey Two:** Also ewwww

 **Soldier:** that’s not all I like to suck

 **Bae:** Buck, do you ever want to get laid again?

 **Soldier:** But steeeeve it’s fun

 **Bae:** now everyone knows what we do in our bedroom. It should be private.

 **Soldier:** Pretty sure they already knew, love.

 **Spidey One:** some of us even watch

 **Bae:** What??

 **Spidey One:** What?

 **Bae:** I swear to god we’re disabling Jarvis when we get back to the tower

 **Spidey One:** See if that’d stop me

 **Bae:** Bucky, please tell me she’s kidding

 **Soldier:** It’s Natasha, how would I know. And it’s not like I could stop her either. Spy is not exactly my forte. Want someone dead? That I can do.

 **Bae:** Well I’ll never sleep again

 **Spidey One:** It’s the winter soldier swallowing Captain America’s cucumber. Who wouldn’t want to see that?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Uh, me?

 **Spidey Two:** Meeeeee

 **Coffee Dawg:** I’m ignoring all of you

 **Other Bae:** WHY AM I ON THIS CHAT

 **Salt:** I want to see!

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** PEPPER!

 

 

<comm transcript>

<11/30/19>

 **Bae:** This AIM cell is almost finished off.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Hehe, you said finished off.

 **Bae:** We all know the plan, right?

 **Soldier:** God, yes, Captain, can we just fucking get on with it already.

 **Bae:** Bucky. Knock it off.

 **Soldier:** Or what, you won’t play with my cucumber later?

<sounds of fighting>

<heavy breathing>

 **Bae:** I will cut you off, James Buchanan. Don’t think I won’t - shit -

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Won’t shit? Got a cucumber stuck up there, Cap?

 **Bae:** A little help over here, kinda gettin’ swarmed!

 **Soldier:** Oh no, you were gonna cut me off, remember? You can handle it on your own from here, Steve. I have faith.

 **Bae:** Fuck. You.

<gunshots>

 **Soldier:** Yeah, you’re welcome. Now you _better_ fuck me later. Ream me nice ‘n hard. I deserve it.

 **Bae:** Really, actin’ like your teammate owes you sex for saving his life? Dick move, Barnes.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Okay so, other than the old grandpas arguing, does anyone actually know why Barton has a bunch of cucumbers? Also, uh, Steve? Might wanna-

 **Bae:** I see them.

 **Soldier:** I saw _that_ , Steve. I’m gonna beat you with a goddamn cucumber if you pull that stunt again!

 **Coffee Dawg:** I’m right here, Stark, you could just ask me.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Okay, so?

 **Coffee Dawg:** Laura wants to open up a cafe. Organic produce only. She makes these cucumber sandwiches - Stark, they’re so fucking good -

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Are you telling me they’re for sandwiches?? Seriously? That’s not even fun!

 **Coffee Dawg:** No, but it’s delicious!

 **Bae:** Damn, even I’m disappointed.

 

 

<Jarvis recording, Stark suite>

<12/2/19>

 **Salt:** Tony, why are you still in the bathroom? Is everything okay?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Uh… yes? Or no. Maybe no.

 **Salt:** <sigh> What did you do this time?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Well. You sure you wanna know?

 **Salt:** I’m the one who has to take care of your idiot ass, right?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** <mumbles> Oh, it’s my ass, alright.

 **Salt:** What’s that?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I guess you can come in, but… be prepared. It’s not pretty.

 **Salt:** Okay, what’s-

<door opens>

<scream>

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** I told you. I warned you. You never listen to me.

 **Salt:** How the hell am I supposed to be prepared for THAT?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Think you can get it out?

 **Salt:** Anthony Stark. You did it, now you have to pay for it. Bucky warned you, didn’t he?

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** Oh no, please don’t ever tell Bucky. Please no.

 **Salt:** Get your ass to the car.

 **Sarcastic Asshole:** So. Dinner?

 **Salt:** Jesus Christ I’m engaged to a moron.

 

 

<Jarvis recording, Rogers suite>

<12/2/19>

<hysterical laughter>

 **Soldier:** Babe! BABE! You gotta hear this!

<tape plays>

 **Bae:** Where’d you even get this?

 **Soldier:** Natasha. She’s the best.

 **Bae:** Well, you did warn him.

 **Soldier:** Wasn’t from experience.

 **Bae:** Nope.

 **Soldier:** Nope.

 **Bae:** We’re never telling anyone about that, are we?

 **Soldier:** Nope.

 **Bae:** Good.

 **Soldier:** We need to order a batch of Barton’s cucumbers delivered to the Stark suite.

 **Bae:** And a waiver from his lawyer promising not to sue for spying on him.

 **Soldier:** And a fake hospital bill. He can deposit it right into our account.

 **Bae:** You know he pays our rent, right?

 **Soldier:** So? He can afford it.

 **Bae:** You’re cute. Hey, wanna go play with my cucumber?

 **Soldier:** Was waiting for you to ask.

**Author's Note:**

> For your edification:
> 
> Bae- Steve  
> Other Bae- Sam  
> Coffee Dawg- Clint  
> Soldier- Bucky  
> Spidey One- Natasha  
> Spidey Two- Spiderman  
> Sarcastic Asshole- Tony  
> Salt- Pepper  
> Rage Monster- Bruce  
> Magic Wanda- Wanda
> 
> The nicknames are Bucky's.


End file.
